Sunday, October 26, 2014

Paraprosdokians

My dad really isn't into English literature -- I'm sure he passed this along for the humor:

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Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is…surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...  holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Finally:

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

Sweeps Links for 10/26

Diamond Multimedia - Win a free graphics card - Ends 10/31

Bloomingdale's - Win a $2,000 accessories prize package - Ends 11/2

Essenza - Win a $250 Target gift card - Ends 11/3

Fiat - Win a trip to the L.A. car show - Ends 11/5

Tom's Hardware - Win an ANTEC Edge Warrior package - Ends 11/6

Clarion USA - Win a big-screen TV and an Apple TV - Ends 11/15

Cake Boss Baking - Win a Cake Boss baking set - Ends 11/24

Shop America Tours - Win a Las Vegas shopping vacation - Ends 12/14

NLC Loans - Win a free year's mortgage payments - Ends 12/31

Voortman Cookies - Win a Legoland California vacation - Ends 1/22/15

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Spring is here

Spring really isn't here, but it's a good title for the picture my dad sent me.